Employees Will Also Refrain From Putting Their Fingers Up Their Noses

My fellow employees and I received an e-mail from The Big Guy Upstairs (this is the CEO I’m talking about – there have been no recent e-mails from The Almighty, although surely one is due).

The message read, in part, thusly:

Acme Napkins and Grommets will be hosting meetings with our biggest client tomorrow from 10:00 to 1:00. I will be hosting tours for individuals who would like to see our office space after the meeting. Please help make a great impression and put your best smiles on.

Smiles? Of course! But why stop there? They really should have me send these things out because I have some great ideas on compliance.

Seriously. I think we need more direction here.

As you know, our corporate fate often rests particularly upon those of you in support positions, i.e., the folks in the exposed, un-doored cube farms. We are most concerned with you specifically and ask that you do your best to appear as well-adjusted and hard-working as possible.

Please sit up straight, suck in your gut, and do your best to remain conscious from 10:00 to 1:00.

Please remember that this visit requires you to dress in your corporate best: shirts and pants are an absolute must, people. No excuses will be accepted from those who insist on adhering to Naked Filing Wednesday.

This office visit may mean that your Farmville accounts on Facebook will go unchecked between these hours. Please feed your animals and spread your manure only after our guests have departed.

We also ask that, while our visitors are on the floor, you abstain from personal calls, eating at your desk, or, in the case of the Shipping Department, dropping your trousers in order to more effectively pull up your socks.

Finally, we would not be who we are without your daily efforts and vigilance, and we thank you for all you do.

Hugs and Kisses,

Management

p.s. The amount of time you have taken to read and then criticize this memo has been deducted from your accrued vacation time.